Here is the Lane family’s journey
“After knowing each other since 4th grade, falling in “love” in 6th grade, Brandon and I began dating again during our first year in college. During our 5 years of dating before getting married, we talked a lot about the family we wanted and the children we would have! We decided on 4 and often talked about how we would raise them.
Not long before getting married in 2011, we found out I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). We knew that we wanted to start a family soon after getting married and this would definitely put a little bit of an obstacle in the way. Thankfully, our doctor told us we had a bunch of options, so we remained hopefully.
First we started with a pill called Clomid. Let me tell you, this pill was no joke with me! I felt like a crazy person. It gave me hot flashes and I would flip out over the littlest things. Brandon was usually on the receiving end of my crazy, like being yelled at for putting a drinking glass on our glass table. Yes, I look back and realize how silly that is since the glass wouldn’t have damaged the table at all and the condensation would have cleaned up easily, but this medication turned me into a different person sometimes.
During these treatments, I would have to go get checked by the doctor to see if it would work and much to our disappointment they did nothing… except make me crazy! I think it was during our 2nd round with Clomid that we went in and saw it was doing nothing. Our doctor decided to up our dosage pretty significantly to see if that would trigger anything and while I was sad it wasn’t working in the moment I felt like there were still options. That was until I got in my car to get back to work and got a message announcing my brother and sister in law were expecting their first child! In that moment, it hit me like a ton of bricks on how hard this journey was going to be for us. Not only were we going to be struggling, I was going to be loaded with all these extra hormones that may or may not make us parents and in the meantime, it felt like everyone else was proceeding with life and getting their family started! You have to understand that being happy for someone else and sad for us are two emotions that can definitely co-exist but it also hindered me from being able to be present sometimes. Sometimes I would have to skip dinners celebrating pregnancies since I didn’t feel like I would be able to keep it together and knew that it wouldn’t be fair for me to fall to pieces in the middle of such a joyous event.
Sometimes friends and family don’t understand, sometimes struggling with infertility means missing out on things we want to be a part of for the sake of keeping our sanity. Sometimes it’s smiling through a broken heart and showing up to celebrate something that we are terrified we will never have. Sometimes there are comments made or the infamous “when are you guys going to have children” question. If you find yourself in a position where a friend struggling with infertility is absent or distant, know they are truly happy for you and love you dearly. At the same time incredibly sad for themselves. I beg you to give them grace. I am so grateful during this really difficult time, mine did!
Fast forward to two more Clomid rounds, being referred to a specialist and one last super dose of Clomid (all of which did NOTHING), we decided to move on to our next treatment option, injections. Thankfully this didn’t give me the crazy side effects! I’m sure Brandon was extremely grateful as well! During our first round of injections we were so excited to find out that it actually was making my body work! This, in itself, was a HUGE victory. Baby or not, my body was working and responding and that gave us a lot of hope. Although that first round of injections wasn’t successful in conceiving a baby, we were very optimistic!
Our second round of injections not only responded but sure enough got us pregnant! Of course, I was a nervous wreck most of the pregnancy, but it was an easy one and we were incredibly blessed with a baby boy, Nolan, in February of 2013!
Life was wonderful and we found a fertility treatment that worked. So, when Nolan was about 1.5 years old, we decided to try for baby number 2! We had a game plan, we knew what worked and we really weren’t anticipating many issues will expanding our families. Oh, we were so wrong.
In 2014, 2015 and 2016 we did two round of injections each year. Each with no success. As expected, life was still moving swiftly around us. We were still getting pregnancy announcements and smiling through the pain as we had to accept each failure. Sometimes it was finding out a round didn’t work while celebrating three of my sister in laws being pregnant at the same time, or seeing that negative on a pregnancy test and having to go to the hospital to love on my new baby nephew. It was still just as hard as it was in the beginning, but I kept telling myself that we were still blessed with our son and didn’t give myself a lot of grace or room for feeling emotional since that made me feel like I was being ungrateful. So through painful smiles we marched on.
Then in 2017, after one failed injection round, our second round we found out we were expecting! We were excited and grateful that finally we would be adding to our family. This time, I didn’t feel as nervous since Nolan’s pregnancy was so easy. Then, at about 6 or 7 weeks, I miscarried. WOW! The feelings came in abundance! I was sad, devastated, angry, confused. Why did our family have to be the one that struggled for years to have a child, only to get tricked in to believing we would finally get one and have it ripped away so quickly. I was angry we didn’t get to hear their heartbeat. I was sad that Nolan wouldn’t get to meet that sibling and I was exhausted after years of failures.… I was lost. It was a really painful time.
Going into 2018, I was heartbroken, still feeling really lost and questioning how in the world was I going to be able to move on from this and how we would be able to still expand our family. Thankfully this year brought us a lot of blessings. We were able to find an incredible church and another support system to add to our amazing family and friends. We found ourselves in a position to be able to get rid of ALL of our credit card debt. Our marriage became stronger. We were loving each other more intentionally and as cliché as it may sound, I found myself falling in love with my husband even more than ever before! Towards the middle of the year we decided to start investigating adoption and fostering. This was always part of my game plan but not quite on my radar this early in our family planning. I’ve always seen our family having 2-3 children before fostering or adopting. So, we signed up for fostering class that would begin in January of 2019.
While we were in the car one day, Brandon and I were having a conversation and I remember feeling like he wanted to give fertility treatments one more try before moving forward with the fostering classes. He would never ask me to do them again, but I just knew his heart was really hoping we would try again. So, I told him we would give it one more shot and we would find out if it worked in just enough time to start the classes if it didn’t. We both agreed this was the plan!
So, one more round came and went and one morning I woke up to take a pregnancy test that would reveal it was positive! Holy cow! It was happening again. We were pregnant. Of course, this time my hopes were NOT up AT ALL! But blood tests were looking really good and so the first ultrasound was scheduled.
It felt like I was holding my breath for weeks, waiting for that first ultrasound to hear a heartbeat, praying that a miscarriage wouldn’t happen. Then the day finally came. Brandon and Nolan came with me and as soon as the ultrasound started the doctor went straight to the heart and let us heart it. What a beautiful sound it was! And then upon further investigation, he found a second heartbeat! That’s right! TWINS! We were expecting twins! He told us we would need to take another look around 10 weeks just to make sure they were growing and progressing like they should! Our family was so excited for us and for them! We were about to add two more babies to our family and it felt like all the time we were waiting was for this moment.
Our next ultrasound was amazing! Both babies looked strong and healthy and were growing right on track, were the perfect size and had identical heartbeats of 155 beats per minute! This was amazing and I felt so good!
The next ultrasound was our 12-week appointment. There were no complications and no indication of an issue at all. We walked into that ultrasound really excited to see our babies and get sent to my normal OB instead of our fertility specialist. Then the doctor started the ultrasound. Instantly, you could tell there was a problem. On the screen one baby looked like it has tripled in size since the last ultrasound while the other one looked like it was exactly the same size it was just a couple weeks before. I remember the doctor checking the smaller baby pretty quickly, not mentioning if there was a heartbeat or not and proceeding to check on the growing baby. I was relieved to hear one heartbeat that day but there was no way I was able to smile through the pain I was experiencing. This was a greater loss than I had ever felt. There were no signs there was a problem, we had seen these beautiful babies growing, not once but twice and heard their heartbeats. It was hard to imagine our family without both of them! But that was our new reality.
I quickly found out that Vanishing Twin Syndrome was a thing… who knew?! Eventually that baby would get absorbed back into my body and it would be like it was never there. Of course, I didn’t help myself by googling. This wasn’t just a normal VTS. This was a more rare VTS since they had been growing and we could see and hear their heartbeats. Our chances of this happening were very slim, yet, it was happening.
In the weeks following our news, I had three, YES 3 friends, announce healthy twin pregnancies! What are the chances! It was a hard pill to swallow. Just like with all of our infertility journey you get pounded and forced to deal with watching people having what you don’t have or have what has been taken from you. Again, please know this doesn’t mean there are any bad feeling or ill wishes on others miracles, just a constant reminder of our heartbreak and loss.
It’s hard to grasp the fact that the heartbeat we heard will never beat outside of me, that we will never get to hold a baby we watched grow. Nolan will never get to meet the sibling he watched on an ultrasound and our other sweet baby will never get to grow up with their twin. These are still things I cry and lose it over. These are things that make me so upset that we don’t get to experience. With every ultrasound, it’s hard not to hope the doctor was wrong and our baby started magically growing again and this was all a bad dream. Since there are still no physical signs of a loss, it’s hard to accept. It’s hard to accept that we will never get to hold or love on our sweet baby in this world. But this is our reality, this is the loss and heartache we have to endure.
I have to keep reminding myself we are still the lucky ones. We still have a lot to be grateful for. Our son is a healthy and happy 6 year old and we found out our sweet baby is a little girl. We have named her Eloise, our little warrior. At 26 weeks pregnant, physically things have been very easy and pleasant. So, grateful we will continue to be.
I still cry. I am still grieving the loss of our baby, that heartbeat, Nolan’s sibling and Eloise’s twin. BUT, I’m still joyous for Eloise’s arrival and can’t wait to see the person she turns into. I am anxiously anticipating seeing Nolan and Eloise together. It’s an exciting time and through it all we have a lot to look forward to!“